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The Pigcowtopus Project Presents #HeadSpace

My thoughts behind the series…

As many of you know from my story, mental health matters and is very important and personal to me and my story. I find healing in exploring the matters of the mind and the heart. I wanted to explore different emotions because emotions are flowy creatures. They ebb and flow. People who experience anxiety and depression often speak of a fogginess that comes with manic episodes and break throughs. I myself have experienced them. I used this time to explore my triggers and the things that bring me peace.

There is a lot to be said about each painting in this series. I painted Emergence: My Bedroom is my Hair one week when I experienced a depressive episode and I painted my way out of it. Once done I realized that the painting depicted what it feels like to emerge out of a depressive state and how altered perception can be. Over the next few months, I sketched and painted a still growing series based on different t emotions, mood shifts and dispositions. I started thinking about my own emotions and what type of emotions I want to experience and how to get there. During this time I experimented with mixed media and chalk and a new series was born, but one of the most direct and important because I care so much about mental health awareness. I experimented with Mount Vision Pastels that a friend let me try. I used water and acrylic paint, made a mess, and then made a masterpiece. I started imagining dark states that accumulate or bright ideas that can break through and illuminate the mind. I started research into natural and plant-based medicine and explored what it means to float. I imagined the pressure that we place in our minds and how that effects the state of our inner skies.

I open my heart and mind to the world and am very transparent about anxiety, cptsd and OCD. I honor my biological family and their mental health struggles. I can hold them accountable as adults, and also honor them with compassion. And I wish I knew more. I wish there were doctors and counseling available to communities. All I can do is share my experience, begin a conversation and build my community.
In life we all can experience so much that effects our mental and emotional states. Growth comes from conversation about these topics. I think about how people speak about certain taboo mental health disorders, and I wish for more compassion in the world

Float into Softness by Christine Samad

My word for this year is going to be soft.

There is a sweetness inside that is me,

but I am like cotton candy

And melt when bitten, quite literally.

Some people can simply be mean.

And it’s like whenever I want to be without my guard I can’t be

Because people are not looking to my best interest.

I often feel alone in preserving my… softness.

Soft and sensitive get negative connotations, like “oh, he’s so soft, I was just playing.”

Or, “Ooooh girl you are too sensitive– don’t take it personal.”

Jokes are permission for critical quips, don’t you know.

And everything we are is personal, especially for those walking in truth,

and those dropping the masks

So they can enjoy the sweetness of the sun and the calm of the night.

I just want to be soft.

I want to rediscover the sweet, kind woman goddess of creation I am before the storm came.

I have found moments throughout my life when someone was critical of me being supported or served.

Catered to.

Or should I say considered, because cater is a tricky word too.

What is catering but considering options amiable to those parties involved?

Something that requires thinking of others that are not you and your own.

But what is it about my independence strength and tenacity that makes me not yours, not protected, not allowed to be soft?

The melanin in my skin yearns to be soft in the grassy field engulfed by the sunshine.

I’m imperfect this is true. I learn, think and then do.

I am big and soft like the giving tree.

I try to protect and nourish others.

But don’t we all deserve acts of kindness? Is it me?

Do I not do the same? I feel like my brain

is not of this world and I slip between my mind and this world and all of the words,

the words flying in out and around.

If I could fly on the wings of nature as wisps of wind,

I would revel in its wonder.

I imagine cool grass tickling the perimeter of my skin.

Can you treat me delicately, at least for a time?

Mental break downs can be recovered from if I honor myself

And allow myself to feel the warmth of cozy clouds and comfort so that it reaches my soul. 

I need moments when I don’t have to look in my periphery, but enjoy the whole

Of what’s in front of me, in safe company.

Let me just be.

Harsh reality crashes and shuts me down.

I open the windows so I don’t drown.

Count to ten, squeeze tight and embrace my crown.

If I don’t speak up if I don’t make a sound

I will be turning my back on myself and I won’t do that. Not while I’m around. 

Sink into your own warmth
And weave threads of silk around
Allow yourself to lift off the ground
And enjoy the moments…